A few days ago, I did a question box on my instagram about my dual citizenship between Nashville and New York City, particularly about being in New York since I currently am. One of the questions that was asked was “Have there been any surprising disappointments in this otherwise fun year?”
And while I was able to answer most of the submitted questions on the little one slide of an instagram story, this one deserves a whole episode.
Because yes, while this has been a very fun experience, it has also been very very hard. And disappointing.
If you have thoughts to share, there’s a great place for that on instagram… @thatsoundsfunpodcast. I’d love to hear anything that came up for you in this episode and any suggestions of topics you’d like to hear future episodes about.
Listen Here
Previous Episodes:
Transcript:
Back in the winter, when I first moved into my friend’s apartment that I’m renting, I needed a desk. I didn’t want to buy a fancy desk, just a sturdy place to hold my podcast equipment and my printer and my computer. I found one on facebook marketplace. The price was low so the price was right, and it was brown and I wanted a brown wooden desk, so I bought it.
Then I mapped where the desk was from where I lived. FIFTY blocks away. Hmmm. Okay. After work, around 5 or 5:30ish, I threw on my winter coat and beanie and hopped in an uber and we sped up the westside highways as the sun was setting over the Hudson River. I asked the driver if once we got to the apartment where I’d be buying the desk, if he would be willing to wait and drive me and the desk back to my house, and he said he would.
We pulled up to the apartment building and the girl lived on the sixth floor. I took the elevator up and the desk was right there, in the hallway. I paid her on venmo and she walked back into her apartment and closed the door. And there I was, standing in a hallway, with a desk to carry all by myself. Not great.
I slid the desk down the hallway and onto the elevator. A man and his big dog got on with me and it was awkward because I was taking up so much space with the desk. He did not, in fact, offer to help me when we got to the ground floor. So I picked the desk up by one side and carried it, with much trouble, out the front door to the waiting uber driver. He very kindly jumped out of the van and helped me load my new desk into the back.
Twenty minutes later, it was already dark and very cold outside, and the uber driver dropped me and my desk off on the sidewalk in front of my apartment building.
My friend Meredith lives down the street and she had told me she was on the way home and would be able to stop by and help me get the desk up the four flights of stairs to my place. But when I checked in with her when we got back, we had moved faster than her subway train, so she was still about twenty or so minutes away.
Now I’m in a pickle. I can’t carry the desk alone up the stairs. I can’t leave my desk on the sidewalk and just go up to my apartment. Someone could take it thinking it was up for grabs. I also can’t stay outside in this freezing weather either.
And suddenly, I was crying. And I said outloud, “you know, you didn’t have to do this, Downs. (I call myself Downs when I’m in trouble.) You could have just stayed home in Nashville where you have a desk and you don’t have four flights of stairs and you don’t have to buy furniture or figure out how to live in a new city that is a very cold city…”
And then I said
WHAT HAVE I DONE?”
What. Have. I. Done.
I bet that question has crossed my mind once a month at the least, once a week more like it.
Y’all know from instagram or podcast episodes how much fun I’m having being a dual citizen of Nashville and New York City. But I may owe you an apology for not telling you how much I’ve cried or rolled my eyes or had to put my hand over my heart and remind myself to breathe and not panic. I am very grateful for this opportunity, so I don’t EVER EVER want to sound like I’m complaining or not grateful, but maybe I’ve overcorrected on that? So I’ll just tell you what is true- I am so thankful, this has been amazing beyond my wildest hopes, and this has been harder than I imagined.
I’ve worried about how this is affecting my work and my team. I’ve worried about the finances and the idea that I now have STUFF in Nashville and New York. Someday when I only live in one city again (I assume I will, though who can really know I guess), I’m going to have to figure out how to get all my stuff from the city I am leaving, whichever one THAT is, to the city where I’m staying, whichever one THAT is. And that already feels stressful and it isn’t even on the calendar anytime soon. I worry about my friendships in both cities- will they ebb and flow without my knowledge because I’m only there half the time?
June was really hard. If you listened to Episode 8, you know I was going into my Summer Sabbath in the city depleted in some major ways and sad and worried and felt pretty deflated. And then there was a heat wave. I’m telling you, when it feels like 100 degrees in a city with little to no central air conditioning, it’s brutal. I had a ten minute walk to the subway station because my closest subway station was closed for track repair- just for the month of June. When I was here. (yes, it’s open now.) So by the time I got to the train, ten minutes away, I was soaked with sweat. Then the subways are hot and steamy and everyone is miserable. There’s no way to cool off. And honestly, I have some real insecurities about how much I sweat and how my HAIR sweats the most so it always looks like I’ve just jumped in a pool. So in a city where I am learning to fit in, one of my greatest insecurities was POPPING OFF all day every day.
And then I would get home and walk up all the stairs and open the door to a home the same temperature as the inside of my mouth and it was just HARD. Window units are a blessing and the cool the house down quick, but they aren’t on all the time. Woof. The whole month was hard and I kept thinking, “WHAT HAVE I DONE? Why am I here? I should just get on a plane and go back to Nashville where I have a car and air conditioning and I can just lay by a pool somewhere.”
I almost left.
My phone died when I was out to dinner this week and when I asked to borrow a friend’s charger, it wasn’t the right shaped plug to charge my phone. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I should know better than to leave home without a charged phone or a portable charger.
A friend I knew before I moved to New York City acted really excited that I was going to be here, but she hasn’t been available any time I’ve asked to hang out and she hasn’t reached out to me at all. (Trust me, she isn’t listening. LOL) I kinda want to ask her, “What have I done?” but you and I have both been people long enough to know that this probably isn’t about me. Or maybe it is? Either way, I gotta let it go and let it hurt my feelings.
I’ve had to go into a lot of rooms full of strangers, where I know one or two people, and I’ve had to introduce myself and try to make new friends. WHAT HAVE I DONE. I have a city full of people I’ve known for almost two decades. Why have I chosen to be the new girl? And also? Nobody here really knows my job. I told my Nash besties that it feels like the muscle of meeting new people who don’t know what I do for a living is really atrophied. If you know me for my work, I’m WAY confident. If I’m just a woman you are meeting because we’re in the same place, I’m not as confident. I’ve felt awkward and lonely and uncool A LOT.
I was in one of these rooms a few days ago and I sat alone, waiting for an event to start, and all I wanted to do was get on my phone and not look awkward. Or, get up and go home. I forced myself to leave my phone in my purse and just sit and it was PAINFUL.
I have felt lonely a lot. I have felt uncool a lot. People here don’t dress like people in Nashville and I feel that sometimes more profoundly than I want to admit. I brought a pink puffer jacket that I love last fall and my friend Ashley was like, ‘ummmm…. Pink?” which I honestly deeply appreciated but oh gosh WHAT HAVE I DONE. Because I don’t know if you’ve heard but EVERYONE in New York wears black and I didn’t know that. I shipped that jacket home that week and asked a friend to mail me my black puffer jacket.
(Now listen, I didn’t BURN my pink puffer, I still love it. It just didn’t help me fit in here so I sent it home.)
So yes, dear instagram friend who asked if there have been disappointments, for sure. I have cried and been so frustrated and had my feelings hurt and wrestled with tons of insecurities. Not to mention all the times I’ve gotten on the wrong train or been late because I didn’t factor enough time to ride and walk or the time I was meeting my friend Hannah for lunch and I put the restaurant into google maps and I arrived on time BUT I was at the wrong location.
There have been LEGIONS of dumb mistakes like that. But as Matthew McConoughay might say, that’s just living.
I want to go back to the question- what have I done.
Probably close to two years ago now, before I even considered time in New York City, I remember telling the Lord one morning that I felt like I hadn’t been pushed out of my comfort zone in a while.
ANNIE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.
WHY WOULD YOU EVER REMIND THE LORD OF SUCH A THING.
It’s like praying for patience… you’ll get to practice it, but you won’t like how you get it.
So what have I done?
I’ve left my comfort zone.
Relationally.
Locationally.
Financially.
Professionally.
In fashion, in friendships, in coffee shops and conversations.
I have officially been pushed out of my comfort zone.
And I actually, in general, really enjoy my comfort zone. I named it that on purpose. And while New York City is in many ways a dream come true for me, it is also not comfortable for me. It’s scraping the scabs of insecurity that I thought were dealt with. It’s stirring the pot and bringing lots of impurities to the top. It is identifying idol after idol that I look to for peace and well, comfort, and my idols aren’t really thriving in this environment. They do better in my comfort zone. And it is painful when your idols fail.
God is stretching me, inviting me to trust in some significantly deeper ways, and letting me fall apart a bit.
I am better for it already, it will keep being for my good and God’s glory (I hope), but for every wow, there have been a few WOOFs too.
. . . .
Have you experienced this? The freefall that comes from leaving your comfort zone? The best days having moments of such frustration? The wrestle of feeling SO GRATEFUL and yet sometimes wishing you hadn’t cracked the can open at all?
Am I being too honest now? LOL
If you have thoughts to share, there’s a great place for that on instagram… @thatsoundsfunpodcast. I would LOVE to hear your process and your experience with this.
Thanks for following along on this journey with me. It is another part of this story for which I am deeply grateful.
Hope y’all have a great weekend and we’ll see you back here on Monday.
. . . . .
Don’t Miss the Next Episode!
Subscribe for free and never miss out on the fun from Annie’s friends like Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Bob Goff, Kristen Chenoweth, Lauren Daigle, CeCe Winans, Lady A, Tim Tebow, Sadie Robertson Huff, Tauren Wells,Christine Caine, and many others.
Subscribe using your favorite podcast app via
. . . . .
Spread the Word. Leave a Rating and Review.
I hope you had so much FUN listening to this episode! It would mean the world to me if you would rate the podcast on Apple Podcasts and leave us a brief review! You can do the same on Spotify and on Google Podcasts as well.
Your ratings and reviews help us spread the word to new friends! Your feedback also lets me know how I can better serve you.
Thanks for being so AMAZING!
