I feel like I owe you an apology.

Though the last few days have been better, I have not been the best blogger recently. I rocked that 31 Ways to Speak Love in October but then sorta took a nosedive into oblivion and haven’t kept up well.

So. Here’s why.

This fall was busy, in a lot of great ways. Speak Love released, Girls of Grace had an awesome and crazy fall, and I traveled a ton. I’m pretty good at the hustle of my job most days, until it ends.

Then I fall apart.

It happened last fall, so I was more prepared for it- the exhaustion when the career train slows down.

But last month? A lot of things fell apart, to be real. And the last few weeks have mostly looked like me sitting on my bedroom floor surrounded by invisible pieces of things that have shattered not knowing where to start cleaning or repairing. Internally, externally, relationally, personally, professionally. And I had been working so hard through the fall months that when it all stopped, I was deeply tired. And broken.

Things weren’t okay.

I got quiet.

I slept too much.

My hair started falling out.

November was no bueno.

And when you’re smack in the middle of that, it’s hard to write about. Journal about. Pray about. Talk about.

Over the summer, for a totally unrelated reason, I started seeing a counselor. Early in September, when the situation that sent me there in the first place cleared up, she said, “what do we talk about now?” I was like, “well, I’m about to travel a lot, sometimes that’s hard on me, so… let’s go on maintenance mode- once a month, maybe?”

And then November.

And maintenance mode became HELP ME mode.

And without counseling and my people and their prayers, I’m not kidding that maybe those last few weeks would have sunk me. That’s a quote from the counselor. And I believe her.

God knew. And He made a way- between a wise unbiased voice and a few dear friends who knew it all- for me.

. . . . .

Man, this job I have as an author and speaker is so great and so hard. Do I tell you that enough? Or that I screw things up because I can be selfish and self-centered and fearful and worried? Or do I just make it look like a blast all the time? It is- it is so fun and I’m so grateful- but y’all, I haven’t been as plugged into Jesus like I could have been and the battle has been real and I have been losing. And it has been hard.

But I have not been abandoned.

I am not alone.

And we all go through stuff.

Welcome to life as a human.

. . . . .

For about two years, I’ve been asking God for some specific breakthroughs in some areas of my life- for myself and for people that I love. And last month, deep in my knower, I felt like God whispered, “if you want a breakthrough, things have to break.”

I believe Him.

I believe this is Him.

We don’t struggle without purpose. We don’t fight without a mission.

I don’t know if this is a reminder for you or a weird insert into your Advent season, but mainly I wanted you guys to know that I haven’t forgotten you and I don’t just care about book stuff and I want to tell you the silly and fun and weird of my every day, as this blog was born to do.

So thanks for being here. Sorry it’s been quieter than normal.

Here’s to real life and hard seasons and surviving the best of things.